Am I Wrong?
by walkthatlonesomevalley
Summary: Amy feels conflicted about her new feelings for Lauren.


_*i've been wanting to write another amy/lauren story for a while now. i was listening to music and got an idea for this one. hope it's not too depressing but it probably is.*_

_*i'm super drunk right now and i wrote this whole piece drunk on accident because i finally had a day off and __**two birds, one stone**__, you get the idea*_

_*this is a series of secret diary entries by amy*_

**Am I Wrong?**

**Part 1**

You're there every day. Doing those things you've always done. But somehow, everything has changed. I can't look at you without feeling that certain something inside. It's embarrassing and wonderful and ugly and horrible. I want you so bad, it aches.

"It just hasn't been the same," you say. But you're not talking about us. You're talking about Liam, the boy you love. I get it now, at least. I feel the things you're feeling. I'm just feeling them for you...

It's all wrong.

"Maybe it'll get better," I say.

I drove a wedge between us briefly. We fell-out over the summer because of the confession and the accidental sex. I didn't want to hurt you but I did. I did everything wrong.

"Maybe…" you say, and I dream of you being happy. I can't have you that way but I want you to have your happy ending.

"One of us should be happy," I say, with a soft knowing smile and an accidental longing stare. I can't stop seeing you this way. I hide my eyes when you see my honest affection. I hide my eyes when you really see me. I know you don't want to hurt me. I know it's all my fault. But I can't turn it off and you're not going to ever be happy with just me.

You go out with Liam on the regular. Movie dates, dances, dinners at fancy expensive restaurants I'll never see the inside of. You're living a life I can't share. It's a first for us. A real first.

I stay at home and allow Lauren into my life. We're both lonely and at first it seems wrong.

"You don't want this, do you?" She asks. I let her hold me and kiss me. We grow closer with every night that you're gone.

"It's not that," I say, thinking only of you. Lauren is great. She's attractive and soft. She's everything I thought she couldn't be but she still isn't you. "I don't want to hurt you," I say.

"It's okay, I know you're in love." Everything is so complicated. I don't know what she sees in me. Why does she care?

"When will it end?" I asked, as she kissed my forehead and sighed into my ear.

We've gotten even closer. The other night she trapped me in the bathroom. I was low in spirits and she kissed me so hard. Next thing I knew we were together in the shower. We weren't naked but we got really close and we were wet from the water. She had pulled me in and kissed me hard. I'd let her do things like this because with her I felt weak. She saw me unlike others. She was like you in that way. She knew I was too fragile.

She kissed me beneath the water and I felt my shirt and bra soaked beneath her skin and hands. It'd been so long since I'd gotten wet with my clothes on. There was something kind of magical about it and strange. But it felt right with her. She'd never let me fall.

"I just wanted to calm you down," she smiled, water dripping off of her face. It had worked then, it really had. I forgot about you for a little bit. Making out with her had become this sort of secret thing that we did. She would kiss me and I'd forget. She tasted so good right from the start. I dunno if it's because we knew it was wrong or just different. We were related now. We weren't supposed to be doing these things. But we were always home, always close. She could hear me breath and sigh from my room. I could hear her sing to her music at her computer. The little things took over us and we became entwined somehow in those weeks and months without you. There wasn't a day when I didn't feel her there just across the hall. If she didn't come to me it didn't matter. She was there and I was there and we were together, no matter what. Somehow we were the same.

Now she's sad. Her boyfriend dumped her. She says it doesn't mean much but that she likes me. I don't know what to say or how to tell you. Me and Lauren stare across the quad at lunch. Sometimes I wonder if you even notice. She's the only thing keeping me from a downward spiral, sex-filled rebellion with random strangers and alcohol induced fuck-fests with boys like Liam.

I was close back then in summer, real close. Liam was the beginning. I didn't even want him. It was like I wanted to punish myself and fix myself. Fuck myself straight. It was dumb and stupid. Lauren caught me. She helped me. She stopped me from those things. I could be dating Oliver or Liam or any boy with a pulse, just to ignore what I felt. She feels right. She's the next best thing. It feels horrible to know. She should be the first best thing, the very first. She's opened my eyes and widened my horizons, made me see things I wasn't able to see in my pain and my longing for you.

"It's better you use me," she had said. And holy hell had she been right. But now I feel like this fucking animal. Like I'm wanting you too much and projecting all these fantasies onto Lauren, forcing her to see me as I see you. I dunno how to explain it. It's stupid and weird. She pretends not to be bothered but she must be, she must know.

"I don't want to hurt you," I say.

"You could never hurt me," she answers.

Last night though, I went too far. I had talked to you on the phone and you had told me about the sex you had in Liam's car. Something about that ignited me and made me hungry. I wanted to be fucking someone just like you. I wanted to at least have that, if I couldn't have you. If happiness was this unattainable thing I at least wanted to have feelings and experiences to fill all the empty parts of me that craved to be whole.

She was in the bathroom doing her hair. Getting ready for a night out with a friend. But I stopped her. I attacked her. There weren't many words, just hands moving and I ripped her shirt and squeezed her hard. I couldn't tell if she was pissed or proud. She seemed almost shocked but she didn't tell me to stop. She may have gasped and moaned but she never asked me to stop, never told me to fuck off.

I fucked her then. I just did it. It was the first time and I don't even know how I knew what to do. I just thought about how I wanted to touch you and how I wanted to be touched by you. And it made me angry that I couldn't. That I couldn't touch you and couldn't be touched by you. With Lauren there I just wanted to have that with someone and she was great. Not having you made me want her even more. She was happy to see me. She never talked about anything other than us.

I held her up against the wall while I fucked her, she gasped out and whimpered, and I left her there after I was done. I didn't know what to say.

She hasn't spoken to me since then. I don't know now what to do. The worst part of it all is that I can't even talk to you about it. I'm fucking everything up. With her and with you. I'm ruining lives and I can't stop what I'm doing. I just want so much. I want these things I can't have. And I take things from others because they don't fight me. I dunno if Lauren should be mad or sad. I don't know if I should feel happy or bad. I just know it's all upside down and I can't stop myself.

And I certainly can't talk to you. What on earth would you even say? It's like I'm this monster now, this whole new thing.

**Part II**

Liam hurt you. He cheated with some other girl. You told me tonight and I didn't know what to say. I covered you with apologies and reassuring phrases like, _it wasn't your fault_ and _he's just trying to figure things out, it doesn't mean anything_. I wasn't defending him but I mostly wanted you to stop crying. You cried all the same. And I cried too.

Lauren came in while I was on the phone. She took one wordless look at me and crawled up onto the bed and held me while you and I talked. She knows everything even though I barely speak about us. It's like she's this angel in my life, sent to comfort and caress me into not giving a damn. I let her touch me. I love when she touches me. I'm becoming dependent on her. If she were to disappear I would crumble.

Why can't I love her like I love you?

The more I think about it, the more I feel wrong. I kiss her now and I swear I'm beginning to feel her for all that she is. This delicate fucking gift from the gods. This master of all things. This princess of pleasantries and comforts and turning my life back around. I'm filled up with her now, I can't escape. She breathes and I feel it inside. I wish I could talk to you.

I haven't told her but I'm scared that one day it'll all just end. She's never explained it. We just slipped into loving one another. What if one day we slipped back out?

I can't talk to you about this. I can't talk to you about anything. You talk about Liam. I hurt inside. I can't speak. Not about what I'm really feeling. All I can say is overly cliche things to try and make you feel better. I'm starting to realize that you don't even notice how broken I am. Maybe you're broken. Maybe it's mostly my fault. But you should see me at least. You know me better than anyone. Or at least, I thought you did.

**Part III**

Today you confronted me. You said I've been different but I don't know what you actually mean. Did Lauren talk to you? Did I say something without meaning too? Is this about Liam somehow, or about anything other than me? I'm confused and the truth is hidden inside of me, trapped in a vault, unable to break free.

You know I love you but you tease me still with days like today. You stare too long and hold too tight and I come home to Lauren feeling ultimately flawed and misguided and wrong in every single way.

Mom hasn't even caught on about us. She thinks I'm in love with you but she doesn't know that Lauren comes into my room and holds me at night. If Lauren doesn't come I go to her. We're inseparable now. We silently love each other. Every day and every night. She's all I see and know and it's all your fault. How can I even tell you? How can I even share?! I went from being in love with my best friend to drowning in love with my new sister. Everything is wrong Karma and you won't talk to me and now you're back to looking at me and seeing me in that way. I don't know if you're unaware or just pretending not to know. But it hurts Karma, it fucking hurts.

I told Lauren about my feelings. I told her about why I fucked her and how bad I felt. It was all about you then, it really was. I was so frustrated that I couldn't have you, I wanted to fuck you but I fucked her instead. It was wrong. It felt right but it was wrong.

She surprised me though. She wasn't mad. I knew it had been off when we stayed away for a couple of days. But when she held me during that call with you I knew she couldn't be mad. She told me she was getting scared of her feelings. She's falling for me and I'm falling too. When can I talk to you? How do I even start? You never come over, you never see us together. We're basically camped out in each other's arms. We do everything together and without many words. She pets me all the time and I love it Karma, I die for it, she's so great.

Everything I wanted with you, I'm getting that with her and right now it's really hard to resist.

**Part IV**

You came over and saw us. She was holding me, her lips on my forehead. I was laying on her, holding her in my arms. We were pouting like we usually do, breathing together and knowing it was all just shit in this world.

You came in and shocked us both. You caught us there like that. I'm not sure if you could tell just from seeing, all that we had been feeling for weeks. How much we mean to each other now. I dunno what to say to you or how to speak.

She left abruptly and you said it was weird. I opened up to you. I finally talked. And now I'm sure you hate me. You probably think I'm this pervert or something. You were so shocked because you thought I hated Lauren. I never hated her, not ever. I was jealous at first but that changed so fast. After the wedding she was all I had, my only solace.

I told you these things but you left pretty fast.

Lauren found me after and she had been crying. I shut the door of my room and covered her in kisses. I let her burn slow beneath me in the dying light, her soft skin in my hands, her quivering lips calmed by my touch.

Her eyes seemed so open that night and so did mine. I started to realize I was in love with her. Not just loving her. I was falling in love.

I laid on top of her and eventually we had sex. It was like we both knew it was time. I started touching her and she wanted it. After she came she took over me like a tiger, riding on top of me and showing me this whole other side. She could be just like I had been that one day after that talk with you. I wasn't the only one with cravings. Lauren had been waiting to make her move.

She fucked me and it was like I could forget about you at least for an hour. I never slept so sound. Waking up with her in my arms, it was like heaven. I kissed her blonde hair in the morning light and felt happiness for the first time in so many days.

**Part V**

We held hands at school. Lauren came with me to see you on lunch. You watched as I held her in my arms on the lawn and smelled her neck. There was something in you that wasn't okay. I tried to touch her less but she felt so good and I felt so soft in her touch. She adored me like you used to. I wasn't sure what was bothering you so.

Then later you found me after math. You wanted to talk and you seemed desperate. I let you take me to the roof and that's when it all went to hell. You told me you were in love with me and just trying with Liam, trying to be normal.

I started crying, I couldn't believe it. I thought of Lauren and of you. I wanted to die.

I told Lauren everything and she seemed ready to just back away and give up on us. She'd been my everything and she just assumed I wouldn't want her, not if I could have you. But I do want her Karma. You let me think we couldn't be. And I love her now. I want her in my arms. I dunno if it's because she just let me. I dunno if it's because you didn't. I just know that hurting her hurt me. I didn't want it and it happened and now I hate myself.

**Part VI**

You came to me after school while I was writing that last bit and crying over Lauren. You came in my room with Lauren with you. You took one look at her and thanked her from the bottom of your heart. She ran to me and I held her. You stared at us both and I was on pins and needles because why were you here?!

That was when the crazy thing happened. You crawled up on the bed and you started to kiss me. I fell back on the bed, Lauren held me in her arms. After you kissed me, she kissed me too. I felt you both around me and I wanted to cry it was so right. When you and her kissed I finally understood what was happening. Neither of you wanted to lose me. I watched you kiss her and felt my eyes blink slowly in the tenderness that I saw.

I never could've imagined we'd end up this way.

We switch off days on purpose or on accident. Some days all three of us picnic in the grass, all holding each other, all kissing one at a time. It's not an issue anymore. We love and love is good. I still can't tell mom but I've never felt like this before. Waking up between you and her, it's like no love I ever imagined. You both kiss me and touch me and I feel loved. I want for this feeling to never ever end.


End file.
